Really Funny Clean Jokes and Humor

John Smith started the day early having set his alarm clock (MADE IN JAPAN) for 6 a.m.

While his coffeepot (MADE IN CHINA) was perking, he shaved with his electric razor (MADE IN PHILIPPINES) .

He put on a dress shirt (MADE IN SRI LANKA), designer jeans (MADE IN SINGAPORE) and tennis shoes (MADE IN VIETNAM). After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet (MADE IN INDIA), then he sat down with his calculator (MADE IN MEXICO) to see how much he could spend today.  read more »

I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man, I keep his house.
-Zsa Gabor

Inside every older lady is a younger lady -- wondering what the hell happened.
-Cora Harvey Armstrong

Inside me lives a skinny woman crying to get out. But I can usually shut her up with cookies.

The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy.
-Helen Hayes (at 73)

I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray eyebrows.
-Janette Barber

Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse.
-Lily Tomlin  read more »

1. Set a mouse free in the office each day. When the problem becomes an epidemic, send snakes after them.

2. Submit letters of resignation for other employees.

3. Dial the phone number of the guy in the next cubicle whenever he walks away from his desk. Hang up before he can run back to answer it. Repeat often.

4. Send counterfeit memos from the company president, politely letting employees know that they’ve been fired and must clear out their offices and leave the building immediately.  read more »

"This should be taken care of right away."
"I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself."

"Welllllll, what have we here..."
Since he hasn't the foggiest notion of what it is, the Doctor is hoping you will give him a clue.

"We'll see."
"First I have to check my malpractice insurance."

"Let me check your medical history."
"I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending any more time with you."

"Why don't we make another appointment later in the week."  read more »

"It's a guy thing."
Really means...."There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"Can I help with dinner?"
Really means...."Why isn't it already on the table?"

"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
Really means....Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"It would take too long to explain."
Really means..."I have no idea how it works."

"We're going to be late."
Really means...."Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."  read more »

* If you stare at an orange juice container because it says CONCENTRATE

* If the only jokes you receive are through e-mail

* If your wrist watch has more computing power than a 486DX-50

* If your idea of good interpersonal communication means getting the decimal point in the right place

* If you look forward to Christmas only to put together the kids' toys

* If you use a CAD package to design your son's Pine Wood Derby car

* If you have used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than hanging coats and taping ducts  read more »

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence.

One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree,out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

“One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me,” said one boy.

Several more pecans dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

A third boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate.

Sure enough, he heard, “One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.”  read more »

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, And all the patients were shouting, ' 13....13....13. '

The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a Little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see What was going on.....

One of them poked me in the eye with a stick!

Then they all started shouting ' 14....14....14 '...

Twinkle Twinkle little star

You should know what you are

And once you know what you are

Mental hospital is not so far.

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Roses are red, Violets are blue

monkeys like u should be kept in zoo.

Don't feel so angry you will find me there too

not in cage but laughing at you.

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God saw me hungry, he created pizza .

He saw me thirsty, he created Pepsi .

He saw me in dark, he created light .  read more »

One of the perennial arguments in the gun-control debate is pro-gun-control demagogues saying that guns should be licensed just like cars, expecting their listeners to have never thought abut how the two actually compare and thus convince people that still more gun laws are a good idea. Gun owners naturally turn around and point out embarrassing things such as, if guns were licensed just like cars are:

* anyone could own as many guns, of whatever type, as they could afford;

* Shooter's Ed would be a mandatory class in high school (which, actually, wouldn't be a bad idea);  read more »