Best New One liner Jokes

Why name hurricanes lame names, like Sandy? Name that shit Hurricane Death Megatron 300 and I guarantee niggas be evacuating like they need to.

You haven't experienced awkward until you try to tickle someone who isn't ticklish

Every time someone calls me fat I get so depress I cut myself... a piece of cake.

I am more pissed off than a dragon trying to blow out candles.

I accidentally called 911, so I set my house on fire so I wouldn't look stupid.

Never give up on your dreams. Keep sleeping.

Whatever you do in life, always give 100%. Unless you're donating blood...  read more »

Best One Liner Jokes

Born free, taxed to death.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened.

A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.

What is faster Hot or cold? Hot, because you can catch a cold.

Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

Why did the scientist install a knocker on his door? He wanted to win the No-bell prize!

When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.  read more »

Don't Smoke a Cigar

“How many cigars do you smoke a day?”
“About ten.”
“What do they cost you?”
“Twenty cents a piece.”
“My, that’s two dollars a day. How long have you been smoking?”
“Thirty years.”
“Two dollars a day for thirty years is a lot of money.”
“Yes, it is.”
“Do you see that office building on the corner?”
“If you had never smoked in your life you might own that fine building.”
“Do you smoke?”
“No, never did.”
“Do you own that building?”

Who cut down the cherry tree

A farmer grabbed his 10-year-old son and asked, “Did you cut down that cherry tree?”

“Yes, Daddy, I did.” – the boy replied sobbing. “I cannot tell a lie.”

The farmer grabbed the boy, put him on his knee and whaled the tar out of him.

“But, Daddy,” the boy cried, “George Washington’s father didn’t do that to him when he cut down that cherry tree when he was a boy.”

“That’s true,” the father replied, “but George Washington’s father wasn’t sitting in the tree when he cut it down!”

Hiccups Home Remedies

A boy walked into a pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to give him something to cure the hiccups. The pharmacist merely leaned over and slapped the kid on the back.

“Why did you do that to me?” – asked the boy.
“Well, you don’t have the hiccups now, do you!”
“No, but my Mom out in the care still does!” – the boy replied.

Painless Dental Treatment

A small boy ridiculed the talk about a painless dentist in his neighborhood. “He’s not painless at all.” – said the boy.

“He put his finger in my mouth and I bit it and he yelled just like anybody would.

Shortage Of Parachutes

A blonde, a brunette, a movie star, the pope, and a pilot were on a plane.

The plane was going down fast, and there were only four parachutes for all five of them.

The pilot took one and jumped, then the movie star took one and jumped, and then the blonde took one and jumped.

The pope told the brunette to take the last one.

The brunette said, "There are still 2 parachutes left! The blonde took my backpack!"

April Fool Day Tip

It was a bitterly cold day on the Bombay golf course and Sandy the caddy was expecting a large tip from his wealthy client.

As they approached the clubhouse, Sandy heard the words he was longing to hear, "This is for a hot cup of coffee."

So Sandy held out his hand and the wealthy client put a sugar cube in his palm.

April Fool Meal

1. Scoop a small hole in an apple with the end of a spoon and insert a sweet gummy worm - yuck!

2. If your family eats O-shaped cereal, thread them all onto a piece of string and put them back in the box.

3. Make a fake 'fried egg'. Arrange a spoonful of natural yoghurt in an oval on a plate. Pop an apricot half in the middle. Serve it up to your family with a rasher of real bacon.  read more »

Annoying Things To Do On An Elevator

1) CRACK open your briefcase or handbag, peer Inside and ask "Got enough air in there?"

2) STAND silent and motionless in the corner facing the wall without getting off.

3) WHEN arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act as if you're embarrassed when they open themselves.

4) GREET everyone with a warm handshake and ask him or her to call you Admiral.

5) MEOW occasionally.  read more »

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