Really Funny Clean Jokes and Humor

(This is reportedly based on an actual experiment conducted in the U.K.)

Put eight monkeys in a room. In the middle of the room is a ladder, leading to a bunch of bananas hanging from a hook on the ceiling.

Each time a monkey tries to climb the ladder, all the monkeys are sprayed with ice water, which makes them miserable. Soon enough, whenever a monkey attempts to climb the ladder, all of the other monkeys, not wanting to be sprayed, set upon him and beat him up. Soon, none of the eight monkeys ever attempts to climb the ladder.  read more »

When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.
 
Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.

Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.
 
Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor you're on.

Hold the doors open and say you're waiting for your friend. After awhile, let the doors close and say, "Hi Greg. How's your day been?"  read more »

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education than any cop from Houston. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputy's expense.

Deputy says, "License and registration, please."

Lawyer says, "What for?"

Deputy says, " You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."  read more »

During a ride in a taxicab, the rider touched the driver
on the shoulder to ask him a question.

Upon the touch, the cab driver flinched, screamed, then went into a
panic and almost wrecked the cab. Finally the driver got control and
pulled to side of road.

Still shaking, he turned to his rider and apologized. He said,  read more »

Case 1

When NASA began the launch of astronauts into space, they found out that the pens wouldn't work at zero gravity (ink won't flow down to the writing surface). To solve this problem, it took them one decade and $12 million.

They developed a pen that worked at zero gravity, upside down, underwater, in practically any surface including crystal and in a temperature range from below freezing to over 300 degrees C. And what did the Russians do...??

They used a pencil...

Case 2  read more »

One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river.

When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"

The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water, and he needed the axe to make his living.

The Lord went down in the water and reappeared with a golden axe.

"Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

The woodcutter replied, "No."  read more »

A dog walks into a butcher shop, spends a number of minutes looking at the meat on display, and eventually indicates with a nod of his head and a bark that he would like some lamb chops.

The butcher, thinking the dog would know no better, picks up the lowest quality chops in the shop.

The dog barks furiously and continues to bark until the butcher selects the finest chops from the display counter.  read more »

Passengers on a small plane are waiting for the flight to leave. They're getting a little impatient, but the airport staff assures them the pilots will be there soon, and then the flight can take off.

Finally the entrance opens, and two men dressed in Pilots' uniforms walk up the aisle. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a white cane.  read more »

There was this nouveau riche blond girl, who went to the nearest Mercedes showroom with a pocketful of dollars, and came out with the latest model.

Half an hour later she was back at the showroom, claiming a that the car they sold her was terrible, that she was disappointed a brand-new Mercedes would get a fault in the gearbox after 15 minutes. The management apologized and gave her a new car.  read more »

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night. ( Steve Martin)

Talking about music is like dancing about architecture. ( Steve Martin)

A celebrity is anyone who looks like he spends more than two hours working on his hair. ( Steve Martin)

I believe in eight of the ten commandments; and I believe in going to church every Sunday unless there’s a game on. ( Steve Martin)

There are some people that will not pick up a phone and call you, but if you knock on a door and talk to them, they’ll talk back to you. ( Steve Martin)  read more »