Obituary in local newspaper

A woman from the deepest, most southern part of Alabama goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is written.

The obit editor informs her that the fee for the obituary is 50 cents a word.

She pauses, reflects and then says, "Well then, let it read, 'Billy Bob died'."

Amused at the woman's thrift, the editor says, "Sorry ma'am there is a 7 word minimum on all obituaries."

Only a little flustered, she thinks things over and in a few seconds says, "In that case, let it read, 'Billy Bob died, 1983 Pickup for sale'."



You are not getting older

For his wife's birthday, a doctor ordered a cake with this inscription:

"You are not getting older,
You are getting better."

When asked how he wanted it arranged, he said, "Just put 'You are not getting older' at the top, and 'You are just getting better' at the bottom."

It wasn't until the good doctor was ready to serve the cake that he discovered it read:

"YOU ARE NOT GETTING OLDER AT THE TOP, YOU ARE JUST GETTING BETTER AT THE BOTTOM."



Got Text Message Confirmation

Husband sent a text to wife at night, "Hi babe I will get late, please try and wash all my dirty clothes and make sure you prepare my favourite dish before I return."

He sent another text, "Babe I forgot to tell you that I got an increase in my salary at the end of the month I'm getting you a new car"

She text back, "OMG really?"

Husband replied, "No I just wanted to make sure you got my first message."



We're going to be three

The newlywed wife said to her husband when he returned from work, "I have great news for you. Pretty soon, we're going to be three in this house instead of two."

Her husband ran to her with a smile on his face and delight in his eyes.

He was glowing of happiness and kissing his wife when she said, "I'm glad that you feel this way since tomorrow morning, my mother moves in with us."



Advice to the newly married couple

At my granddaughter's wedding, the DJ polled the guests to see who had been married longest.

It turned out to be my husband and I.

The DJ asked us, "What advice would you give to the newly-married couple?"

I said, "The three most important words in a marriage are, 'You're probably right.'"

Everyone then looked at my husband.

He said, "She's probably right."



High blood pressure

When a physician remarked on a new patient's extraordinarily ruddy complexion, he said, "High blood pressure, Doc. It comes from my family."

"Your mother's side or your father's?" the doctor asked.

"Neither," he replied. "It's from my wife's family."

"Oh, come now," the doctor said. "How could your wife's family give you high blood pressure?"

He sighed, "You oughta meet 'em sometime, Doc!"



You're beautiful!

There was a lawyer and he was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side.

His eyes fluttered open and he said, “You're beautiful!” and then he fell asleep again.

His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side.

A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said “You're cute!” Well, the wife was dissapointed because instead of “beautiful” it was “cute.”

She said “What happened to ‘beautiful’? His reply was “The drugs are wearing off!”



English Language is Funny

No wonder the English language is so very difficult to learn.
I sometimes wonder how we manage to communicate at all!

We'll begin with a box and the plural is boxes.
But the plural of ox should be oxen, not oxes.

The one fowl is a goose but two are called geese,
Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.

You may found a lone mouse or a whole set of mice,
Yet the plural of house is houses not hice.

If the plural of man is always called men,
Why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?

If I speak of a foot and you show me your feet,  read more »



How to beat a speeding ticket

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.  read more »



NEW YEAR QUOTES

An optimist stays up until midnight to see the New
Year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old
year leaves.
- Bill Vaughan

Then sing, young hearts that are full of cheer,
With never a thought of sorrow;
The old goes out, but the glad young year
Comes merrily in tomorrow.
- Emily Miller

The proper behavior all through the holiday season
is to be drunk. This drunkenness culminates on New
Year's Eve, when you get so drunk you kiss the person
you're married to.
- P.J. O'Rourke  read more »

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