How to keep new years resolutions

RESOLUTION #1:

2005: I will read at least 20 good books a year.
2006: I will read at least 10 books a year.
2007: I will read 5 books a year.
2008: I will finish The Pelican Brief
2009: I will read some articles in the newspaper this year.
2010: I will read at least one article this year.
2011: I will try and finish the comics section this year.

RESOLUTION #2:  read more »



FUNNY NEW YEAR RESOLUTIONS

1.Read less books. A little learning is a dangerous thing. Too much of it can really wreck your head.

2. Gain weight, at least 40 pounds. Didn't your mom always say you were bit skinny.

3. Cut down on exercise. Too much is bad for your health, it can even kill you.

4. Watch more TV. It's very educational. Catch up on all those programs you missed down the years.

5. Draw up a list of people who were nasty to you in the past year, get your own back on them in the next year!  read more »



Mental Health Institute Help Line

Hello, and thank you for calling the Mental Health Institute

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly

If you have multiple personalities, press 2, 3 and 4.

If you suffer from post-traumatic stress disorder, press 5 but do it v-e-r-y- s-l-o-w-l-y and carefully.

If you are dyslexic, press 6. Now press 9. Now press 6. Now press 9. Now press 6.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mothership.

If you have short term memory loss, press 8. If you have short term memory loss, press 8. If you have short term memory loss, press 8.  read more »



Why am I So Tired?

I am Tired,
Yes, I'm tired.

For a couple years I've been blaming it on iron- poor blood, lack of vitamins, dieting and a dozen other maladies that make you wonder if life is really worth living.

But now I found out, it ain't that.

I'm tired because I'm overworked.

The population of this country is 237 million.
104 million are retired.
That leaves 133 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school, which leave 48 million to do the work
Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government.
This leaves 19 million to do the work.  read more »



Holiday Diet to help you cope with the stress, paranoia, depression and delusion

The following diet is designed to help you cope with the stress, paranoia, depression and delusion that builds during the holidays...

Breakfast:

1/2 grapefruit
1 slice whole wheat toast
8 oz. skim milk

Lunch:

4 oz. lean broiled chicken breast
1 cup steamed spinach
1 cup herb tea
1 Oreo cookie

Mid-Afternoon snack:

The rest of Oreos in the package
2 pints Rocky Road ice cream, nuts, cherries and whipped cream
1 jar hot fudge sauce

Dinner:

2 loaves garlic bread
4 cans or 1 large pitcher Coke
1 large sausage, mushroom and cheese pizza
3 Snickers bars  read more »



What Doctors They Say & What They Really Mean

"This should be taken care of right away."
"I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself."

"Welllllll, what have we here..."
Since he hasn't the foggiest notion of what it is, the Doctor is hoping you will give him a clue.

"We'll see."
"First I have to check my malpractice insurance."

"Let me check your medical history."
"I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending any more time with you."

"Why don't we make another appointment later in the week."  read more »



One Liner Short Riddles

How can you get four suits for a dollar?
Buy a deck of cards.

How do we know the Indians were the first people in North America?
They had reservations.

How do you make a hot dog stand?
Steal its chair.

How do you make an egg laugh?
Tell it a yolk.

How do you prevent a Summer cold?
Catch it in the Winter!

If a long dress is evening wear, what is a suit of armor?
Silverware.

What bird can lift the most?
A crane.

What bone will a dog never eat?
A trombone.

What can you hold without ever touching it?
A conversation.

What clothes does a house wear?
Address.  read more »



Blonde shoots in the ear

One day, a blonde went to the doctor's office. She went into the examination room and said, "Doctor, I have a bullet hole in my hand and I don't know where it came from!" The doctor asked, "Have you had any personal experience with a gun recently?"  read more »



Blonde decided to commit suicide

A blonde decided to commit suicide by hanging herself from a tree in the park.

A few days later, a man was walking his dog and spotted her hanging from the tree.

He asks the blonde what she is doing and she replies, "I'm hanging myself."

"You're supposed to put the noose around your neck, not your waist," said the onlooker.

"I tried that," replied the blonde, "but I couldn't breathe.



Blonde International Training College

A blonde has been attending Blonde International Training College, a school set up to give blondes a chance to make it in the real world, for 10 years. She keeps failing this one class that she needs to graduate : basic math. The administrators need to get her out to make room for new students, but can't just give her the grade. So, they instead decide to ask her a simple math question at the graduation ceremony. If she answers correctly, she graduates.  read more »

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