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Chuck Norris Facts

Chuck Norris makes onions cry.

Chuck Norris can delete the Recycling Bin.

Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Chuck Norris' PC will crash.

Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them.

Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.

Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.

Chuck Norris can drown a fish.

Chuck Norris can play the violin with a piano

When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.

Chuck Norris once had a heart attack; his heart lost.

When Chuck Norris looks in a mirror the mirror shatters, because not even glass is stupid enough to get in between Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris.

Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.

The last digit of pi is Chuck Norris. He is the end of all things.

Chuck Norris does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.

Bullets dodge Chuck Norris.

A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd, no one fools Chuck Norris.

If you spell Chuck Norris wrong on Google it doesn't say, "Did you mean Chuck Norris?" It simply replies, "Run while you still have the chance."

Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.

Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris' leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.

When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.

Chuck Norris doesn't have hair on his testicles, because hair does not grow on steel.

Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.

Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever he wants.

There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up.

Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

Chuck Norris has a deep and abiding respect for human life… unless it gets in his way.

It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”

In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise.

Chuck Norris got his drivers license at the age of 16 Seconds.

With the rising cost of gasoline, Chuck Norris is beginning to worry about his drinking habit.

The square root of Chuck Norris is pain. Do not try to square Chuck Norris, the result is death.

When you say “no one’s perfect”, Chuck Norris takes this as a personal insult.


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Comments

Thu, 07/02/2009 - 16:17 — Anonymous (not verified)

Chucker

When god said "and let there be light"! Chuck Norris said "Say please.

Chuck Norris once killed a Grizzly bear with his bare hands because it dared to have more chest hair than him.

When Chuck Norris was born the doctor didn't smack his ass, he shook his hand.

Fri, 06/26/2009 - 00:45 — Pierre Cause My Bladders Empty (not verified)

Chuck

Chuck Norris Does Not Get Struck by Lightning,Lightning Gets Struck By Chuck Norris
Superman Can't feel Pain,But chuck norris makes superman feel pain
Iron Man Built his suit out of chuck norris' hair

Tue, 06/23/2009 - 03:23 — john (not verified)

chuck noriss can kill death

chuck noriss can kill death

Sun, 06/21/2009 - 23:27 — Anonymous (not verified)

Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter

Wed, 06/17/2009 - 23:37 — Anonymous (not verified)

Chuck Norris is so hot...

Chuck Norris is so hot that fire gets near him to get warm.

Sat, 06/13/2009 - 09:09 — EmilyM (not verified)

ChuckNorris

Chuck Norris can fast foward Live T.V.

Sat, 05/30/2009 - 20:07 — matty (not verified)

there are no steroids in

there are no steroids in sport. only people chuck norris has touched!!

Fri, 05/29/2009 - 21:21 — Anonymous (not verified)

chuck norris

chuck norris is so hot....he outshines the sun.
the sun doesnt burn u....chuck norris burns the sun
chuck norris creates money buy roundhousing a tree.
there are drouts in the deserts because it rained without chuck norris' permission.
the deserts used to be mountains until chuck norris got a hold of 'em.
the waitress asked chuck norris wat he wants for dinner...tht night the waitress died.
chuck norris' girlfriend called him silly billy. he replied with "thts not my name!! thts not my name!!!'..she was never seen again.
chuck norris is babelicious.
chuck norris killed hannah montana because of the song "nobody's perfect"...he felt personally attacked.
chuck norris touched mc hammer.
elvis gave chuck norris the finger....the next day he was found dead on the toilet, with his finger so far up his nose...his brain just stopped working.
time is money...for chuck norris time is deaths.
chuck norris looked at Xena...and she exploded. he replied with "not so tuff now."
CHUCK NORRIS IS SOOO HOT...EVEN HIS MOM WANTS TO BANG HIM.

Tue, 06/02/2009 - 22:48 — Anonymous (not verified)

kcuhc sirron

kcuhc sirron

Fri, 05/29/2009 - 21:28 — papagoose (not verified)

Papa Goose

these jokes r awesome! i will surely use these at school =)
i am very greatful for ur amazing superiority and awesomeness.
will u marry me? i will pay for the wedding!?? PLEASE.

Mon, 05/18/2009 - 19:22 — Anonymous (not verified)

Chuck Norris and Mr.T walked

Chuck Norris and Mr.T walked into a bar. The bar instantly exploded, as that level of awsome cant be contained in one building.

Sun, 05/17/2009 - 01:05 — Anonymous (not verified)

Chuck Norris laughs at

Chuck Norris laughs at towels because Chuck Norris doesn't get wet, the water gets Chuck Norris

Q: Why are there earthquakes???
A: Chuck Norris stepped on a tectonic plate

Voldemort and Harry Potter once teamed up to try and kill Chuck Norris. Apparently Harry Potter isn't the only one who can survive The Killing Curse. As for Voldemort, there is a new most feared being...

Mon, 06/15/2009 - 17:11 — Laura-Kelly (not verified)

Chuck Norris doesn't use

Chuck Norris doesn't use Windex, he just makes the glass vanish out of thin air.

Mon, 06/15/2009 - 17:11 — Laura-Kelly (not verified)

Chuck Norris doesn't use

Chuck Norris doesn't use Windex, he just makes the glass vanish out of thin air.

Mon, 06/15/2009 - 17:10 — Laura-Kelly (not verified)

Chuck Norris doesn't use

Chuck Norris doesn't use Windex, he just makes the glass vanish out of thin air.

Wed, 05/13/2009 - 19:50 — Anonymous (not verified)

Once einstein went up to

Once einstein went up to chuck norris and sead that his rounghouse kicks are phisically impossible... Now we now him as stephen hoking.

Once somebody told chuck norris that roundhouse kick is not the best way to kick someone,that is now known as the biggest mistake ever made by man.

Sat, 05/09/2009 - 20:02 — Vector (not verified)

holy shit

"The square root of Chuck Norris is pain. Do not try to square Chuck Norris, the result is death."

I laughed so hard i almost saw Chuck Norris

Thu, 05/07/2009 - 18:35 — Kmatt0811 (not verified)

Mr. T once tried to pity

Mr. T once tried to pity Chuck Norris, so to get back at him, chuck norris invented racism

Chuck Norris doesn't cheat death, he wins fair and square

Thu, 05/07/2009 - 18:31 — Kmatt0811 (not verified)

They once tried to make

They once tried to make Chuck Norris toilet paper, and while being incredibly tough, it wouldn't take crap from anyone

Thu, 05/07/2009 - 17:38 — Anonymous (not verified)

Chuck Norris' lawn

Chuck Norris never mows his lawn. He decides how high the grass can grow and that's where it stops.

Sat, 05/02/2009 - 23:53 — Anonymous (not verified)

More Chuck Norris

Did you know that Chuck Norris invented water? Chuck Norris doesn't wear a watch. he decides what time it is. If you have $5 and Chuck Norris has $5, then Chuck Norris has more than you. Chuck Norris doesn't have a chin. it's just another fist. chuck Norris has already been to Mars, that's why there are no signs of life there. If you wanna know Chuck Norris's enemies, just check the extinct species list.

Whats the fastest way to a mans heart? A Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.

Chuck Norris doesn't have to read books. He just stares them down until he gets the info out of them that he needs.

Geiko just saved 15% by switching to Chuck Norris. Hoped you liked them

Tue, 05/19/2009 - 23:53 — Anonymous (not verified)

whats the best gun on earth:

whats the best gun on earth: chuck norris' fist

Thu, 04/30/2009 - 19:07 — Anonymous (not verified)

Mr. T was once a white man.

Mr. T was once a white man. He tried to pity Chuck Norris, so Chuck beat him until he was black and blue. The black was permenant.

Tue, 04/28/2009 - 15:30 — Thorax in Calexico (not verified)

Chuck Norris' red blood

Chuck Norris' red blood cells are shaped like fists.

Thu, 04/30/2009 - 16:19 — Anonymous (not verified)

fasdfjk;jas;dlkfja;lsdkjfalp;ksdjfa;lskdjf;alksdjf

Chuck Norris speaks braille

chuck norris can kill 2 stones with 1 bird.

x
D

Tue, 05/19/2009 - 23:58 — josh /T/F (not verified)

when chuck norris stares

when chuck norris stares down the barrel of a gun the bullet goes the other way / instead of chuck norris scaring the crap out of yah he can scare the yah out of crap / chuck norris can swim through the ground /

Sun, 04/26/2009 - 22:31 — Anonymous (not verified)

Didja know that Chuck Norris

Didja know that Chuck Norris can gargle peanut butter? What about slam a revolving door?

Q:So if super man and iron man where racing around the world, who would win?
A:Duh, Chuck Norris!

Thu, 04/23/2009 - 19:10 — Anonymous (not verified)

chuck norris is so dumb he

chuck norris is so dumb he cant idk

Sun, 06/28/2009 - 05:34 — Anonymous (not verified)

be careful chuck norris is

be careful chuck norris is everywhere

Wed, 05/13/2009 - 20:24 — Anonymous (not verified)

chuck norris

you are a fucking retard! chuck norris is the smartest in the world! he made einstien's theory. einstien just copied him. that is how einstien died.

Wed, 04/22/2009 - 19:50 — Yo mama!! (not verified)

When Chuck Norris does

When Chuck Norris does push-ups he dosent push himself up, he pushes the ground down.

Wed, 04/22/2009 - 18:33 — brett (not verified)

chuck

chuck norris dosnt feel pain, pain feels chuck norris.

if chuck had a fight with chuck , chuck would win

the deadliest animal in the world isnt actually the king cobra , it is infact chuck noris , once bitin and you survive the victim will continously pull of roundhouse kicks, be inpreniable to bullets and continously get the feeling of flying through car windshields.

chuck norris gave superman an arm wrestle , turns out kyrptonite wasnt his only weakness.

when chuck norris gave the invisable man a game of hide and seek,
chuck won .

Wed, 05/20/2009 - 00:01 — Anonymous (not verified)

this fool spelled chuck

this fool spelled chuck norris wrong what a fucking dumb ass ITS CHUCK NORRIS with two RR"s dumb ass

Thu, 04/23/2009 - 16:02 — angry at u (not verified)

u!!!!

u misspelled Norris. blah.

Mon, 04/20/2009 - 17:14 — NINJA (not verified)

rome

chuck norris did in fact build rome in a day.......
chuck norris play russian roulette with a fully loaded hand gun and won
chuck norris got into a fight with a knife and won

Thu, 04/30/2009 - 16:16 — Anonymous (not verified)

stupid

the joke is

chuck norris got in a knife-fight. The knife lost.

Sat, 04/18/2009 - 19:32 — kllrloop (not verified)

history lesson:

contrary to popular belief, chuck norris was actually dropped on hiroshima and nagasaki.

Fri, 04/17/2009 - 14:49 — <(>.<)> (not verified)

chuck's turtles

the story of the ninja turtles is real. . . . . . . once chuck norris ate 4 live turtles and when he krapped them out each was 6 feet tall and knew karate

Mon, 04/13/2009 - 19:49 — Mr. T (not verified)

Armegadon

No one knows when the world is going to end because Chuck Norris hasn't decided yet

Sun, 04/12/2009 - 16:23 — Anonymous (not verified)

beat this

it doesnt rain chuck norris roundhouse kicks the sky and it starts crying

Sun, 04/26/2009 - 22:43 — Anonymous (not verified)

Owned

When chuck norris jumps in the water he doesn't get wet, the water gets chuck norris

Sat, 04/11/2009 - 20:08 — children of the tacos (not verified)

chuck norris doesnt put on

chuck norris doesnt put on sun screen the sun puts on chuck screen
some kids pee thier names in the snow chuck norris pees his name in concreate
chuck norris can make a snowman out of rain
chuck norris cant doge bullets BULLETS DOGE CHUCK NORRIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
chuck norris's tears cure cancer too bad he never cies
chuck norris counted ro infinity twice
chuck norris invented the hamberger by throughing a cow through a fence
chuck norris doesnt sleep he waits
when chuck norris walks into a room he doesnt turn on the lights he turns off the dark
chuck norris can speak braile
there is no global warming chuck norris just got cold and turned up the sun

On a high school quiz chuck norris got an A+ for answering every question=violence because chuck norris solves everything with violence

chuck norris puts the laughter in slaughter
chuck norris can do a wellie on a unicycle
chuck norris punched a cyclopse in between the eyes
chuck norris won a game of connect four in three moves
giraffes were created when chuck norris upercutted a horse
when chuck norris does a puch up he doesnt go up the earth goes down

wow that was a lot!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thu, 04/09/2009 - 10:15 — Kyle (not verified)

Ultimate Chuck Norris Joke. And its Homemade =)

Chuck Norris is much to cool for nicknames. but if he had one, it would be Chuck ''Chuck Norris'' Norris.

Tue, 04/07/2009 - 05:25 — Anonymous (not verified)

Chuck Norris doesn't use a

Chuck Norris doesn't use a condom, because there is no protection from Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. Now they are just called The Islands.

If you stare at a US flag, a 3D image of Chuck Norris appears.

Wed, 03/25/2009 - 15:53 — martha carden (not verified)

penney and norris

what happens when chuck norris and penney carden teach together whos the parapro.......
surely penney carden

Wed, 03/25/2009 - 15:47 — Dylan Webysters (not verified)

chuck and webysters

who do u think would win in a fight between dylan webster and chuck norris???

Definately chuck norris

Wed, 03/25/2009 - 15:44 — johnathon g (not verified)

big norris

Q: why did the dinosoars go exstinct?
A: because of the chucknorrisourus

Tue, 03/24/2009 - 07:44 — andrew (not verified)

chuck norris

chuck norris tells his GPS system where to go :)

Tue, 03/24/2009 - 05:06 — chuck boris (not verified)

cars were invented as a

cars were invented as a quicker way of getting away from chuck norris........ not to be outdone , chuck norris invented the car accident

Wed, 06/24/2009 - 22:38 — Anonymous (not verified)

Safety and car insurance was

Safety and car insurance was invented to prevent accidents. Not to be outdone, Chuck Norris invented the teenager.

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