Steven Wright Jokes



I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, "If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?"

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."

One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody's satellite dish. My dreams were showing up on TV's all over the world.

A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, "Wish you were here."

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."

I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?" Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium."

One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read."

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?


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