Winston Churchill Funny Quotes

History will be kind to me, for I intend to write it.

In war it does not matter who is right, but who is left.

The biggest argument against democracy is a five minute discussion with the average voter.

We are all worms, but I do believe I am a glowworm.

If Hitler invaded Hell, I would make at least a favourable reference to the devil in the House of Commons.

Democracy is the worst form of government except all those other forms that have been tried from time to time.

A nation trying to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to pull himself up by the handles.

There are a terrible lot of lies going around the world, and the worst of it is half of them are true.

The United States invariably does the right thing, after having exhausted every other alternative.

A modest man, who has much to be modest about. (Referring to Clement Attlee)

A sheep in sheep’s clothing. (Referring to Ramsay MacDonald)

He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire. (Referring to Sir Stafford Cripps)

He is the man who brought pederasty into disrepute. (Referring to Tom Driberg)

He looks like a female llama who has been surprised in the bath. (Referring to Charles De Gaulle)

If you wanted nothing done at all, Balfour was the man for the job. (Referring to Arthur Balfour)

Lady Nancy Astor: Winston, if I were your wife, I’d poison your tea.
Churchill: Nancy, if I were your husband, I’d drink it

Bessie Braddock: Sir, you are drunk.
Churchill: And you, madam, are ugly. But in the morning, I shall be sober.

Young man (after seeing Churchill leave the bathroom without washing his hands): At Eton they taught us to wash our hands after using the toilet.
Churchill: At Harrow they taught us not to piss on our hands.

Churchill: Madam, would you sleep with me for five million pounds?
Woman: My goodness, Mr. Churchill… Well, I suppose… we would have to discuss terms, of course…
Churchill: Would you sleep with me for five pounds?
Woman: Mr. Churchill, what kind of woman do you think I am?!
Churchill: Madam, we’ve already established that. Now we are haggling about the price.


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